Worried that you need to stop saying certain things to women struggling with fertility? Well the first step is to get a brief insight on what infertility is.
If you aren’t struggling with your fertility, chances are, you don’t know a whole lot about it and you sure don’t understand what it’s like to have infertility. I sure didn’t!
So, what is infertility? Let’s do a quick run down:
- A disease that can affect men and women’s reproductive system and according to the World Health Organization is ‘defined by the failure to achieve a pregnancy after 12 months or more of regular unprotected sexual intercourse’.
- 1 in 6 people of reproductive age experience infertility
- Infertility can be Primary or Secondary. Primary Infertility is when a person has never had a successful pregnancy. Secondary Infertility is when a person has had at least 1 successful pregnancy but is struggling to achieve another.
There you have it… a quick and dirty version of Infertility 101.
First, I need you to know that for the most part, we understand that you have good intentions, but sometimes those words are hurtful to women struggling to conceive.
The remarks and misconceptions can add additional stress to an already demanding journey.
Today, we will dive into the über sensitive topic of what people need to stop saying to women who are struggling with fertility.
From the seemingly harmless, “Just relax, and it will happen,” to the more intrusive, “Why don’t you adopt?” these comments can unknowingly cause emotional pain and discomfort.
It’s time for understanding and empathy, as we explore the things that are best left unsaid and offer suggestions on how to provide support and encouragement to those on the journey to parenthood.
What not to say to people struggling with fertility
Remember that everything I am saying below is how we might feel because women going through infertility are already dealing with so many emotions. Plus, we are all different!! But one thing we do understand is that you are not intending to hurt us and that you actually just really care and want to help us.
So here we go… diving right in with my #1 biggest NO NO (at least for me). 🙂
1. "Relax, stop stressing about it and it will happen."
Oh my lord. This made #1 because it drives me insane. Please, don’t be dismissive of our struggle with fertility. Most women going through fertility treatments are very aware of the importance of relaxation and stress management.
For one, it might not have anything to do with ‘relaxing’. We might be having a hard time getting pregnant because of a medical issue or hormonal factors such as PCOS.
Not to mention, have you ever met a woman that enjoys being told to calm down?
Personally, all I’m hearing when you tell me to stop stressing about getting pregnant and relax is you telling me to calm down.
Even more so, I don’t just struggle with fertility, I have been battling severe anxiety for most of my life. When you tell me this, my mind goes straight to, “maybe this IS my fault”.
Infertility is an emotionally draining and challenging experience. When you tell struggling women to relax and it will happen when it happens, it can be perceived as downplaying our very real and very valid feelings of frustration, sadness and disappointment.
2. "You're still so young. You have plenty of time."
Just like I said above, we might be having a hard time getting pregnant because of a medical issue or hormonal factors such as PCOS. Age is just one of many factors and women that have problems conceiving understand that adding in age to already present medical issues only makes things more complicated.
Someone telling us that we have plenty of time oversimplifies the complexities of fertility problems.
When someone is struggling with fertility, it isn’t just a 9-10 month long journey. Often times, it becomes a 2 or 3 year journey and sometimes even longer. Each year that goes by, we get another year closer to being not “so young” anymore.
We want to be able to have children when we want to, but we don’t have the same luxury as women without infertility.
3. "I have kids and it's a lot of work."
First and foremost, struggling women are well aware of the responsibilities that come with parenthood. We have spent countless hours contemplating and researching what it means to bring a child into the world.
Our struggle with fertility often hides just how deeply we desire and understand the commitment of raising a child. So when someone tells us that children are a lot of work, it can feel dismissive of our readiness and commitment to the role of parenthood.
We are prepared for the hard work and are willing to embrace it with open arms, in fact many of us are looking forward to it. I know I am. ♥
4. "Have you tried having sex every other day? Are you tracking your ovulation? Try standing on your head and clicking your heels 3 times?"
Women struggling with fertility have likely already tried everything you are suggesting which is why we seek medical advice.
Each person’s fertility journey is deeply personal, and influenced by a range of factors that may not be completely apparent to others, especially those of whom are not struggling with fertility.
Trust me when I say that we are doing everything under the sun to make a baby.
Crystals… bring ’em on!
Prayers… haven’t stopped!
Legs up… highest I can get them!
5. "Miscarriages are super common."
Chances are, women suffering from infertility know how common miscarriages, but it doesn’t make going through it any easier.
When we share our fertility struggles or our experience with a miscarriage, we are often seeking empathy, support, and understanding, rather than a reminder of the statistics.
6. "Look at all the amazing things you DO have. You're so blessed."
Yes, it’s true… focusing on the positive aspects of life can be helpful in keeping emotions in balance and women struggling with fertility understand even more how important it is to be positive when TTC.
But trust me, we know how lucky we are to have everything that we do ALREADY have and telling us to “look at all the great things they have and how blessed we are to have x, y and z” makes us feel like we aren’t being grateful.
In fact, we are immensely grateful for the blessings we do have but that doesn’t change that we also carry the burden of unfulfilled dreams of being a mommy.
7. "Have you thought about adoption?"
Women struggling with fertility often find it challenging when asked if they have considered adoption, even though we know that adoption can be a wonderful and valid way to build a family.
Adoption is a deeply personal decision and a complex process that involves its own set of emotional and logistical challenges.
It is completely okay for us to want to try to exhaust all options for us to have a biological child. This is why the question can present awkward or uncomfortable situations for us. If I say no, then I am coming off as being too good for adoption.
Me personally, I think adoption is amazing but it doesn’t change my deep desire to experience pregnancy and have a biological child.
What should you do?
In conclusion (I have been dying to say that), it’s crucial to recognize the emotional journey women struggling with fertility are on. While well-intentioned (I can’t stress that enough), certain comments and pieces of advice can inadvertently add to our emotional burden of infertility.
Instead, let’s work to be a source of empathy, compassion, and support. Lend a listening ear, offer understanding, and create a safe space for struggling women to share their feelings without judgment.
In this way, you can help ease the emotional challenges and stand by us with unwavering support and encouragement as we attempt to navigate the unique path of fertility struggles.
Our words and actions have the power to make a significant difference in everyone’s journey, offering the strength and hope we need to continue on the quest for parenthood.
I do want to note that I have had many amazing people give me advice before we went to see a fertility specialist and I welcomed those pieces of advice with open arms.
Remember that it is okay to not have the solution because often there isn’t one. Just continue to be supportive and understand that unless you are going through infertility as well, you probably don’t completely understand what we are feeling and going through AND THAT IS OKAY!!
Let me know in the comments ways you have supported your friends that are struggling with fertility or maybe you are the one struggling, what are some things you wish people would stop saying to you. Would love to hear from yall! ♥
My friends have been incredibly supportive of our journey and I am so blessed to have them in my life. I love you all to death and thank you! Surround yourself with positive energy. ♥
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed medical professional, and the information provided on this blog is for informational purposes only. It should not be considered as medical advice. Always consult with a qualified healthcare provider for any medical concerns or questions.
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¹Study found in World Health Organization:
World Health Organization. (2023, April 3). Infertility. World Health Organization. https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/infertility#:~:text=Infertility%20is%20a%20disease%20of,of%20regular%20unprotected%20sexual%20intercourse.
